The Debauchery Diary v2.0

Hello...

2006-04-05T14:07:42Z

Just popping back on to bring you all this wonderful video

Kung-Fu Fuck You

bravura @ 2005-12-28T01:36:00

2005-12-28T01:37:16Z

Ah, bollocks. This is not what I want it to be any more.

This journal is turning voyeuristic, as of now.

bravura @ 2005-12-23T13:59:00

2005-12-23T14:01:52Z

Goddam. I should have stayed awake... those 2 hours sleep messed me up. If only I hadn't left the pills on the coffee table. I could really do with a half.

Still, my liquid lunch was nice.

Naughtiness

2005-12-23T11:23:08Z

Well.

I spent last night in a fetish club.

It was... an eye opener.

I went with lady_fliss, who I think you should probably look to for details. I'm not entirely sure what I should and should not say, but be aware that I was disappointingly well-behaved, whereas she was very naughty.

I'm not entirely certain how I've made it to work... I was up very late indeed and there was a most enjoyable finish to a most enoyable night.

In other news, I'm in a very daft mood and have decided to sod protocol and wear my trilby in the office. People here thinks I'm nuts, and they're bloody right.

UPDATE: Oh, and when I walked into the office this morning, my colleague Jane pointed out that I still had makeup on. Oops.

bravura @ 2005-12-21T23:42:00

2005-12-21T23:42:59Z

I've just bought a book, on the strength of this

Look up other quotes from this guy, and you'll see why.

ATTENTION!

2005-12-21T01:35:18Z

Please see this, then look at this (NSFW), then, THIS!

Join in... this got pretty big last year!

bravura @ 2005-12-21T01:17:00

2005-12-21T01:19:05Z

I nearly had them.... they showed some intelligence. One or two, they stood above the rest and proved themselves. But there were too many. I could do nothing. It was so sad.

Bother...

2005-12-19T23:27:15Z

I have to do some wrapping before I hit the sack.

Poo.

Superb!

2005-12-19T14:46:58Z

This gem has just been spotted on our online staff noticeboard:

"WANTED: 30 bearded men and Zepplin for elaborate pratcical joke. No time wasters."

It's nearly Christmas!

2005-12-19T10:00:23Z

A sedate weekend, really...

FRIDAY

I spent most of the evening in, enjoying fine music and enormous spliffs, until I got a call from my old buddy Jewboy. He'd had an argument with his girlfriend and had stomped off down to his local to drink alone, and drink he most certainly had. He was in high spirits, however, but as he was in Highbury I could hardly pop out and join him. I did the next best thing... I went to my local alone and had a beer, chatting to him on the phone.

I couldn't hang around for long though, as being stoned off your block in a pub is a mighty worrisome experience when you are set upon by a group of shrieking, drunk, flirtatios 40-somethings who won't stop pinching your bum.

SATURDAY

Worked in the daytime. Afterwards, my cousin Danny came over, with guitar. We joyously discovered that contrary to popular belief, you CAN start a song in Bmaj7 without having to go to Em, and put together an astonishing wee riff. We then continued to get right royally stoned and have a jolly nice evening, including some creative writing; the spoils of which can be seen in my previous post.

SUNDAY

Tom and I stuck our noses into The Wheatsheaf and had a glorious impromptu-just-the-two-of-us Christmas dinner, with crackers and paper hats and everything. Navy-boy Boote came down to join us and I drank a few pints with him and headed home.

How... chilled. Still, this is Christmas week, there are people to see, drinks to imbibe, drugs to abuse and this year, an American lightweight to train into drinking godliness.

I may even be getting hold of some acid soon, too.

Danny's been encouraging me. Here's a "joint" effort.

2005-12-18T00:51:05Z

Story Time!
===========

Once upon a time there was a giant egg called Martin. He lived with his children in a parking space, located under a shoe. He sold pies for a living, and if the mood took him, he he happily shaved his banana.
"There's something cold on my feet!" he said.
No one answered; he was all alone. From nowhere, a car salesman appeared and gave him a bucket of sausages. This startled him somewhat, so he hid underneath a penninsula. Lubricating his whereabouts and finding them none to blotted or geared, he laughed at the sausages and flung them at his feet.
"I rule you now!" he bellowed, and the sausages shuddered.
All but a figment of his imagination... but to our mind the sausages won the silver-clad battle. The bean stalk put an ear to the proceedings of the acquittal of the three cheese muffins. "Open your mind." said the overlooking spyglass, which a pig wore deceivingly well for some time to come. Manic depressant love-lost lovers talk in the wings of a small sea-bird named Steve, the parapligic puffin. Mr. Egg a.k.a. Martin had the feeling of cold on him again... gasping for air his scrotum shrivelled to the shape of a walnut. Fire then calmed the situation of marrying in the place of work, or whereabouts. Please ask yourself that you can be a fish or a bird if your dreams catch the handouts and you put money in your eyes instead of the big open hole that sometimes holidays in the cold dark mountins of tree-tops.
This is the habitat of the terra-lupin-borg killer coconuts of doom. Beware, as you tread on a pilot, or an unwashed tray, he is THERE! Beware as you think of saying "joinery" too much... HE IS THERE!
I approached the temple from the left, as one does on such occasions, and stabled my jet-ski in the visitor's custard. Looking up at it, I was reminded of Betty, in a way only a centipide would know. Before I knew it the earth was jumping around like a love-sick vagabond. Lord knows what happened next, but suddenly I'm aboard a pirate ship manned by glowing hamsters, dammit.

EDIT: I've updated the grammar and spelling... and punctation. God, we were stoned.

See, Tom?

2005-12-16T21:44:54Z

and introducing

Ben says:

shaving the fuzz? yes... about time you cut your boob-hair.

emma is super awesome says:

haha

emma is super awesome says:

my boob hair is awesome

Ben says:

it's disgusting, honestly. people STARE and you and point.

emma is super awesome says:

they like it really

Ben says:

breast afros? you are mistaken.

Ben says:

fizzle and pop

emma is super awesome says:

really?

Ben says:

hell fucking yeah

Ben says:

wanton bubble?

Ben says:

telescopic weekend!

Ben says:

and that's only the start...

emma is super awesome says:

uh oh

Ben says:

i wrote you a story

emma is super awesome says:

really?

Ben says:

yep.

emma is super awesome says:

can i read it?

Ben sends:

Suddenly, everything turned purple.
"Blimey." said Mr Goat, wondering where the light switch was.
"I'll say!" said his elephant "How are we going to get out of this?"
Mr Goat pondered a moment, then formed a carrot from thin air. It was orange. The world
creaked on its gears and without it never actually happening, turned full colour. They both
heaved a sigh and sat down on their beaver chairs. Mr Goat looked up at a passing flock of
ray-bans and thought about the winter of 1814.
"The bastard!" he yodelled, leaping a hundred feet into the air and coming to rest on a

cloud.
"What?" turnpiked his elephant, rearing to its full height, towering above the lawn.
No one ever found out who they were, but for years afterward, the river always flowed
purple in March.

Transfer of "purple.txt" is complete.

Ben says:

it's only a short one

emma is super awesome says:

it is beautiful

Ben says:

it's purple

emma is super awesome says:

it is

Ben says:

so am i

emma is super awesome says:

i bet you are

Ben says:

are you purple?

Ben says:

ARE YOU?

emma is super awesome says:

I AM

Ben says:

do you eat people?

Ben says:

WELL?

emma is super awesome says:

yes, and I seem to have lost an eye

Ben says:

i'm so glad you said that

Ben says:

I'd only remembered as much as "purple people-eater" i knew there was something before that. bloody marijuana.

emma is super awesome says:

one eyed

emma is super awesome says:

one horned

emma is super awesome says:

flying

emma is super awesome says:

puple people eater

emma is super awesome says:

one eyed

one horned

flying

puple people eater

Ben says:

this conversation is so saved

emma is super awesome says:

sure looks strange to me "purple people?"

emma is super awesome says:

well he came down to earth and he lived in a tree

emma is super awesome says:

I said Mister purple people eater dont eat me

emma is super awesome says:

I heard him say in a voice so gruff...

emma is super awesome says:

"I wouldnt eat you cause your so tough"

emma is super awesome says:

he was a one eyed, one horned flying purple people eater

emma is super awesome says:

etc..

Ben says:

*enormous applause*

A break from the debauchery...

2005-12-16T14:55:45Z

I find myself filled with distaste and loathing for my surroundings. This is something I have become skilled a repressing, but now that the end is in sight I find it leaping to the forefront of my thoughts.

What is it about this town? It really isn't all that bad, as much as I insult it, and it is filled with the people closest to me, but it angers me so. The people I have around me are affected too, unknowingly. I am sure each and every one of them would come a little more to life given better surroundings.
I find myself sitting in the same tired places, going through the same damned and damning motions, fighting an urge to scream "FUCK YOU! FUCK ALL OF THIS! I'M LEAVING!" more because I am not quite ready to go than because I don't want to exclaim.

I don't want to go get drunk at x on this day and y on this day anymore. I don't want to repeat my week over and over. "Do something different, then!" I hear you cry. But what? There is nothing to offer. The whole town repeats and replicates itself over and over. Nothing new, nothing interesting or entertaining ever really transpires, and the little that does is trodden down by the Grey Army and the No-Lifers. And who with? No-one seems to have any real desire to break the mould, although they claim to have such desire.

The light at the end of this tunnel is starting to get a little larger, and of that I'm deeply glad. My destination makes me physically more relaxed and free the moment I set foot in it. So I'm going alone... this isn't the first time, however; this is a return. And more than any of that, it's a chance and an opportunity to finally make the changes within myself I have been pining for in the back of my mind for so long.

Freedom, expansion, tranquility.

Thank fuck

2005-12-15T18:43:54Z

After an approximate total of six hours work, I have finally fixed my PC.

I was starting to get withdrawal symptoms!

Bugger

2005-12-14T16:05:53Z

My home machine is currently a little screwed... don't expect much in the update department.

The "Belongee" launch party (and other tales)

2005-12-11T10:58:17Z

Stick or twist?

Dangerous words, it would appear. But let's start at the start, I find that's always best.

FRIDAY

Woke up after sitting up into the wee hours watching pants films. Emma was round. We had a cuppa and headed to her place to make Christmas cards. Spent the afternoon cutting out cardboard squares. Emma whipped up a stir-fry and poured me a large glass of wine. The Emma, Clare and I decided that the only sensible course of action was to get shitted. We popped into The Ye Olde House At Home for a swift pint, then went on to Sainsbury's to stock up on vodka and coke. A security guard there thought they were both underage (and by default that I was getting underage girls drunk; a slanderous accusation!).

En route home, one of our bottles of coke spontaneously produced a hole in it's side a proceeded to spray coke all over the inside of the car. I had to hold the damn thing out the window as we drove, and ended up with very cold, very sticky hands.

Still, we got home and started drinking. The girls introduced me to a fine drinking game called "Circle of Death". Danny and Fliss joined us, and all of a sudden we were rather trashed:

(I have little or no recollection of these photographs.)

Then, Tom and Rosie came home from their staff do to join us, so we had to drink MORE. For some reason, Rosie took it upon herself to rummage around in the darkness of our loft, and managed to haul quite a few treasures... a woman's shoe, a child's shoe, the rubber part of a honky horn, a deck of cards, a bag and a seahorse encased in an amber shell. It was all a little nuts. I collapsed in bed with Clare about 4:30am, I think.

SATURDAY

Was jolted into the real world by the return of Emma, popping in on her lunch break to eat our toast and inform me that Clare had no idea where her car keys were, but she needed to move her car else she get ticketed. once the whirlwind that was Emma had left again, I dragged myself up, walked into the lounge, looked on the coffee table and there were the keys. Stoopid girl. So it was left to me to move the car. i figured I'd go on some sort of adventure, so i drove up to the Wheatsheaf and had a coffee (and then a beer when Ron arrived) but soon headed home.

The others, namely Tom, Rosie and Fliss, had arisen and before I knew what had happened, I'd been sent to the shop to purchase MORE vodka, and Rosie and I had nipped to her dealer's and bought a gram of MDMA. Whoops! Rosie's chum Luke, also joined us, and the man had some ketamine about his person.

I discovered the difficult way that it is indeed possible to take too much K. I was stuck in a very deep K hole for quite some time and had great difficulty clawing my way back into reality. Just as had gathered myself together, however, the group decided on a mission out, into the real world. For a drink, no less. In hats (or a wig, in Emma's case):

We chanced upon Sam and Tanya in the pub. Well, hardly chance as they live next door, and joyously because of this proximity, they also had hats to hand, and pretty good ones:

Needless to say, everyone was rather squiffy from the MmmmmmDMA, so after one drink we once again headed to our flat to seal the night. And once again, Rosie couldn't resist a rummage in the loft:

Praise the lord

2005-12-09T00:01:55Z

I am a happy man... tommypop has just informed me that he succefully bid for a copy of Street Fighter II Turbo on the SNES. You have no understanding of the joy I feel right now.

These crazy ladies....

2005-12-07T12:17:10Z

Another gem of a message, again from a stranger...

SUBJECT: looking for santa to come down my chimney
FROM: fastnfirey67

MESSAGE:

as a kid I've always had a fantasy as to what I'd do if I ever caught santa coming down my chimney..... I always wondered how excited I would be but kind of in a fetish way, it's weird I know... do you have a santa suit?
===============

You have to laugh. Takes me back, though... I once had sex with a girl dressed as a sexy santa. On Christmas Eve. At a Christmas party. That's pretty Christmassy, in my book.

From moshing to munching

2005-12-07T08:55:57Z

My body hurts.

Stonking band last night at the Toad, and at the enticement of Stif Belter (name changed to protect his identity) we all ended up dancing our merry little socks off. Suzy and I even improvised a joyous dance piece involving scarves, of all things.

Sam was on form as a DJ, whacking out some favourites of mine (Baseball Cap by Faithless, some J5, some Propellorheads)

I had to prove my ability to do the "snake" dance move, and succeeded (thankfully) to impress.

What else happened? Moshing. There we were dancing merrily away when the incredibly good looking girlfriend of one of the band members started lunging happily into us. Not to be outdone, we lunged her back and soon had some enthusiastic moshing going on with everyone.

Afterwards, Joster invited me back to his place, and there we sat until 3:30am, drinking beer, smoking joints, talking bullshit and eating toast. I have to be up for my train at 6am, hence my pain this morning.

Actually, that's a lie, we didn't talk all bullshit. We actually came up with rather an interesting idea for a theatre production, and not only that; I can remember what it was!

How bizzare...

2005-12-03T18:12:39Z

A message I recieved from a personals website I'm a member of, from a woman I have never spoken to before:

"what would you rather hear me do? let out a big meow or hear me purr? It's up to you on what I do, both can be good or if I let out a BIG MEOW it could be bad, depends on how you look at it? I'm ready for someone to pet me and find out! Do you like cats?"

Sorry, but I'm allergic, my dear.

bravura @ 2005-11-23T03:54:00

2005-11-23T03:54:50Z

"If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal."

I'm alive

2005-11-22T11:13:44Z

The last few days have been the most intense of my life. Not is a good way. But I'm on the mend.

My last post was just a general moan about how pants I was feeling, but here's the lowdown on what happened. Heh... I even get to use my normal format.... but this is not a normal post....

FRIDAY

I went to work feeling a little hungover, nothing major. Was fine by around 11am. However, about 2pm I started to fill shit again. At first I thought it was another wave of hangover, but i soon realised I was coming down with something, and pretty fast. I had to text Rallings and tell her I wouldn't be out for her birthday.

I got home and did the best I could. Took some paracemtamol, had a bath, put on my comfy clothes, had a cup of tea and hit the sack early. It was feeling like tonsilitis. I couldn't sleep for more than 5 minutes that night, as I was jolted into the waking world every time I swallowed. The pain was getting to be quite a lot.

SATURDAY

Got out of bed at about 6am and staggered around the house. The fever was really setting in. Contacted NHS Direct for medical advice, they suggested I contact an out of hours doctor to see me. This was all getting a bit much for me, so I rang my parents. Dad came to get me and took me back to their place and was a star organising me an appointment with a doctor. By this point I was in hazy land.... I hadn't been able to eat ANYTHING since Friday lunchtime and i think I'd only managed to swallow about a pint of water in all that time too... not helped by the fact I was sweating buckets thanks to the fever. The Doc saw me and prescribed me Penecillin straight away. I started taking that (oh the pain) at lunchtime. I still couldn't eat, as I was so dehydrated, my saliva had turned thick and sticky, so everything I tried to chew ended up with the effect of being curdled and I'd throw it up. Nice. I spent another sleepless night in a terminally recurring dream where I had to do something with numbers and money, but there was never enough timeSWALLOW! PAIN! wake up sweating, gasp for breath, turn over, repeat.

SUNDAY

I kept forcing the Penecillin down, but iwas doing nothing, I was only feeling worse. I was aware that sometimes it can take maybe two days for it to take effect, so I was being patient. I wasn't entirely sure if I was awake or not, most of the time. However, around 6pm, the sweeling in my throat reached the point where it had closed off my mouth from breathing. I could still breathe through my nose, thank fuck. I hadn't really been able to talk for the last 24hours anyway, so I wrote my Dad a note and showed it to him. It said something like "I can't breathe through my mouth anymore. I'm dehydrated and starving and scared, please take me to hospital"

I was definitely the lowest I've ever been. Tears etc etc. As I say, this has not been a fun weekend.

So we go to hoppipal and a Dr. Santos takes one look at me and says I have a "Quinsy". Not tonsilitis, although caused by it, a Quinsy is an abscess (a pus-filled swelling) between the back of the tonsil and the wall of the throat. And they just keep on filling up. I needed to be seen by the Ear, Nose and Throat (ENT) team. However, they have no ENT at Worthing on the weekends, so I was sent to Haywards Heath.

They were diamonds to me at Haywards Heath. Blood tests and IV drips and all sorts. Now... to get rid of this abscess, they needed to drain it. This is done by sticking a needle into it and withdrawing the pus. Wich sounds fairly simple until you realise that's me opening wide and going "ahh" whilst they shove and almighty needle into the back of my throat... and I'm to keep my mouth open and let them?! Well, I managed it, but they failed three times to withdraw any pus. They send my upstairs and put me on an anti-biotic IV drip for a bit, then had three more goes with the needle. I was not in the best of states. I hadn't eaten or slept AT ALL for more than 50 hours (which is fine when I do it by choice) I had no water in me and no energy. They hooked me up to some massive fluids thing for the night and left me to rest. Or so I thought. Around 2am, the doctor who had been seeing me came in with another and woke me up (yes, I'd actually jmust drifted off) to have another three goes with the needle. NOT FUCKING PLEASANT. But then I finally passed out.

MONDAY

I awoke feeling a million times better... still rough, but I had moisture in my system now, and that's a big plus. Small observation on starving yourself: after a while, you stomach stops jumping from one foot to the other going "I'm hungry, I'm hungry, I'm hungry" all the time and just sits there, not hungry at all... but every now and again it reminds you how hungry you are by stabbing you, causing you to bend over double and cough. Interesting, huh?

After being prodded by a few doctors and tested by a few nurses, they decided it would be best for me to head back to Worthing ENT now, as they may want to keep me for a few days and it would be better being closer to home. Agreed. Thanks to the renewed moisture levels in my body and the swelling subsiding a little from the anti-biotics, I even managed to eat a little bit of Weetabix.

A car took me back down to Worthing, where I wandered into ENT and got given to the head doctor, a kind, no-nonsense black man called Ambrose, who I now love. I told him my story and he listened patiently then said:
"So... dey try NINE times with de needle and could not remove any pus?"
"Nope"
"And dey have not tried de knife?"
"Nope"
He then said that although the swelling had gone down, it was only being held there by anti-biotics and would soon rise again and he reckoned the best thing for me to do was cut it out and be done with it. I agreed. So I hopped up onto the bed, got covered in plastic and lights shone at me, held the nurse's hand and let Ambrose stab me in the inside of the throat with a scalpel. How I managed to keep my mouth open I have no idea... I think it may have just been the determination to end the whole escapade. I spend about 10 minutes spitting blood and pus into a bucket and I was all done.

Now, I'm on heavy-duty painkillers and anti-biotics (I'm getting tired of typing that) which means I can't drink *wipes away a tear* but I have been signed off work for two weeks to recover.

I was feeling mostly OK yesterday, but when I woke up this morning, I realised how dependant on these painkillers I'm going to be...

So that's me. Fucking nuts, eh?

bravura @ 2005-11-20T09:10:00

2005-11-20T09:13:21Z

I have never felt this sick in my life... I have been staying with my parents and letting them try to look after me, but this is just awful. I can't even talk now, I'm having to write things down to get understood. All I've eaten in the last 48 hours is half a bowl of soup and a yoghurt, and the longest I've been able to sleep for is half an hour.

Blast that actor fellow...

2005-11-18T13:25:38Z

Stif Belter (name changed to protect his identity) is a contemptible scoundrel.

We were going to stay in. We even told the girls "No"... we were going to be good boys.

But after a call from The Belter, we cracked. Sadly, on arrival at the club, Tom was refused entry on the grounds of, well, nothing. Which was poo. Stif and I pressed on, however, as I'm sure he would have wanted us to. We hooked up with Ems and Cleh and Rosie and Rachel? (I forget her name, but she rocks) Rosie was on a booze bashing mission, and insisted her plan was foolproof - to sleep in her work clothes and head straight to employment upon waking. A fine plan, said I, and bought her a tequila. (I should have, anyway)

Before I knew what had happened, this sneaky half a pill had jumped down my throat. The naughty little fellah.

I spend a considerable amount of effort trying to avoid talking to David Lloyd, who was irritatingly drunk, but soon found myself flinging my body around like a rag doll, due to some excellent tunage from the DJ's.

Sadly, at the peak of my full power dance to "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen, just as I dramatically slid across the floor on my knees (ripping my flares in the process) they cut the music. Right in the middle of it. The irony was not amusing.

Not a terrible weekend, by any count.

2005-11-14T10:44:53Z

The weekend turned out rather pleasant after all:

FRIDAY

Stuck my nose into the Hare and Hounds with navy-boy Boote, policeman Greg and nurse Kerry. Curled round our beers and discussed such niceties as incest and orgasm faces. Soon enough, there was a merry band of drinkers and it wasn't long before I found a rather large cigar in my hand. A proper British pub night.

SATURDAY

WAs unlucky enough to have to work Saturday, but thankfully the little group I was working with were the cream of the crop and we certainly had fun. I tied my manager up with bubble-wrap at one point. Trust me, she deserved it.
Got home and Dozy Rosie swung on over. Her, Tom and I sat and had a few drinks as we prepared for the arrival of Stif Belter (name changed to protect his identity)
You see... Rosie had some ketamine. So we ALL had some ketamine. It was simply hilarious. See tommypop for some rather amusing snaps.

We also managed to write the greatest song in the world, but due to our pact, that's all I can tell you.

SUNDAY

Got up feeling rather squiffy, but after some coffee injections, I was OK. Emma came over and we sat and chatted for a while until we decided to go play frisbee. In November. Ha! IT was pretty muddy and cold, but we soon warmed up as all we did was run around. We came back home when dark set in and watched a Ross Noble DVD and afterwards we were bored again, so decided to go play frisbee on the top of a multi-storey car park, which was hilarious!

Came home and played computer games.